OMG

The time has come to do away with the traditional Judeo-Christian belief structure. After last night I have decided that I can no longer date Mormon girls. I took this girl to a restaurant for a friend. NO it was not classified as a date – no this was much much worse. I am sick of all of the crap that goes into dating Mormon girls. They are all crazy!!! I could elaborate on this topic for ever but why that is not the point of this blog.

After deciding that I can’t date Mormon girls I was left perplexed as to what to do about a temple marriage. If I am not going to date a Mormon I surly can’t marry one. Not getting married in the temple would constrict me spiritually. However, I have come up with a plan. It is time to worship that entity that has always been there for all of us.

The one thing in this world that has never left you stuck in debt.

Rotting in some POW camp.

It never allowed a child to be abused.

It has never started a war.

It has always stood up for you and it has always made you happy.

My fellow members of the Human race it is time we worship:

The Otter Pop…

Let me introduce to you now the leaders of our new religion.

Sir Isaac Lime:

Sir Isaac is a renowned British scientist and visiting professor at the prestigious Otterdam Institute. Christ was never a professor of anything. Sir Isaac is a seasoned concert pianist who has been "tickling the ivories" since the age of four. "I believe that music is an expression of the harmonic vibrations of the cosmos," says Sir Isaac, "And those who think otherwise are just silly."

Favorite Things:

	Supernovas.
	Sub-atomic particles.
	The sound of his own voice.

Pet Peeves:

	Fast food.
	Mathematical inaccuracies. – Which we all know come from the Catholics.
	People who neglect to place a napkin on their lap during meals. – I have never seen Christ use a napkin. Even in that damn Da Vinci painting.

Alexander the Grape:

Alexander is the beloved host of the public television program Great Moments in Otter History. Remember if it is on TV it must be true. Alexander is an expert at trivia, speaks over nine hundred languages and knows the origin of every figure of speech currently in use. Now one other God that can speak every religion… That’s what I thought. When the Otter PopStars appeared on his show, Alexander was convinced their music was "history in the making" and was overjoyed when he was given the opportunity to join the group as their triangle player.

Favorites Things:		Pet Peeves:
Tours of ancient ruins Museums Olympic Sports		Computerized gadgets with too many buttons Alarm clocks – which we all know were invented by atheists. Bad puns

Poncho Punch:

Poncho has been delighting audiences with his guitar-playing and Latin charm since his first guest appearance on the Mexican soap opera, Fruta De Pasíon. Yes that is right one of your new gods is of ethnic decent. Take that Salt Lake. He became a world-wide sensation when his debut solo album went platinum virtually overnight. Unlike Orin Hatch was songwriting sucks. Poncho continued his rise to super-stardom after forming the Otter PopStars, and is now the object of admiration for millions of fans both young and old. Kiss my ass Donnie and Marie. Besides his commitments in the music world, Poncho is the spokesman for several charities and is currently developing a line of comfortable sleep-wear.

Favorites Things:		Pet Peeves:
Answering his fan mail Sun-bathing by the pool – now there is a God we can all identify with. Signing autographs – When was the last time Jehovah signed autographs. Of even made a personal appearance at the opening of a mall.		Broken guitar strings Artificial plants When they're out of sardines in the green room

Little Orphan Orange:

Lil grew up in an orphanage in the backwaters of Lake Erie. Literally. There she learned the importance of self-reliance and a positive attitude when facing life's hardships. Self-reliance – finally a god that is going to make you actually rely on yourself for a change. Lil's big break came when her outstanding voice and plucky, street-smart spirit made her the winner of the Otter PopStars' nationwide Talent Search. "I'm just happy to be one of life's little creatures," says Lil, "The chance to share my joy with the world is more than I ever dreamed of." Talk about being Otternally grateful. See a humble god as well. Most gods are angry jealous gods. Not pointing fingers I’m just saying.

Favorite Things:		Pet Peeves:
Her dog Melon Collie Roller Skating Talking with friends on the phone		Complainers i.e. Mormons Litterbugs i.e. Mormons Long lines at the ice cream parlor i.e. Mormons.

Louie-Bloo Raspberry:

Louie is a Jazz poet whose book of verse The Sweet Raspberry of Yesterday and Other Poems has been translated into twelve languages including Beaver and Cockatiel. Now when was the bible ever translated so even the animals could read it? That sounds a little specie-centric to me. Originally from New Otterleans, Louie met the Otter PopStars when they were just a band of street musicians playing for clams and rocks outside "Café Le Bloo" - the spot where Louie does his best writing. Their music touched him so deeply that he put down his pen, grabbed his upright bass and immediately joined in the fun. A friend to nature and all its creatures, Louie can often be found cultivating his window box garden of purple snap dragons and bandaging up the bite marks on his fingers.

Favorites Things:		Pet Peeves:
Watching the waves crashing upon the shore Estuaries A warm café olé in the morning		Confrontation – finally a god of peace. Oil spills – finally and environmentally friendly god. People who don't know what an estuary is. – Finally a god who knows what an estuary is.

Strawberry Short Kook:

For her eighth birthday, Kook received a toy drum set from her parents, who were looking for a way to keep her from wrecking the pots and pans and their last nerve. When the neighbors complained about the noise, Kook took her drums to the beach and played on the boardwalk. See a god that is kind to the neighbors, but isn’t afraid to party. She was such an amazing drummer that soon everyone in town was asking, "Have you seen that crazy Kook?" "Si," said Poncho Punch, and together they formed the Otter PopStars. Despite her demure appearance, Kook is in peak physical condition, practicing both Tai Chi and non-fat frozen Yoga. What other religion has a martial artist as there god?

Favorites Things:		Pet Peeves:
Painting, sculpture, photography Fixing Desserts – and no that does not include green Jell-O with carrot shavings. Serious WTF is that anyway? Spelunking – What other god can be found in a cave?		Bullies i.e. Muslims. Car alarms Party-poopers

As you can clearly see there is no other way. It is time to submit yourself to the one true faction in this world that can lead us to world peace – It is time to worship the Otter Pop!!

Quote of the Day:
I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-Shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party. Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and that's who I'm prayin' to. When you say grace, you can pray to Grownup Jesus or Teenage Jesus or Bearded Jesus or whoever you want.